THANK YOU - VLOG

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GO BRONCOS!!!!

Heart Transplant

A heart transplant by definition is a surgical procedure on patients with end-stage heart failure or severe coronary artery disease.

I feel like over these these past months that I've had a heart transplant.  My heart hurt more than I ever thought was humanly possible and still be able to wake up each day.

Some of the things I experienced were:

- denial
- abandonment
- pain
- anger
- sorrow
- envy
- fear
- betrayal
- loneliness
- rage
- dread
- vindictiveness
- loss
- resentment
- confusion
- anxiety
- inadequacy
- sadness
- helplessness

When I was praying during those first couple of months my prayer was always...Jesus, you are near to the brokenhearted...my heart is broken and ONLY YOU can heal it.....however YOU choose to heal it. I didn't want to avoid these emotions/feelings because they were real.  I wanted to truly walk through them and let the Lord do His work.  GOD is ABLE.

I began to pray for JOY to come. I began to thank the Lord for where He had me. I began to sing praises to Him even when I didn't think I would catch my next breath.  Over the next few months...I began to feel the Lord working in me and working on my heart.  It was a painful and still at times I'm taken back to those initial feelings of gut-wrenching pain...it's just now, I know that that is part of the refining process. Almost like a phantom pain. I'm amazed at where the Lord has me today.  I'm daily walking out this heart transplant.  Just like anyone who has to recover from a heart transplant there are things you should do to take care of yourself the same is true for me.  I know that I will be walking out my healing for a long time...but, I refuse to let this define me. Define my future. Yes, in a few months I will be considered a divorced woman but, that won't define me. I am a child of God. A daughter to the King of Kings.

The Lord has anointed me {Jesus} to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion-to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of JOY instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

Isaiah 61:1b-3a

Reflections

These last 6 months have been the HARDEST months of my entire life. I've sobbed more tears than I ever thought possible. I've screamed more than ever. I've doubted myself more. I've wondered what was wrong with me that my husband didn't want me anymore. I've found out that your heart can physically ache so bad...and not be dying. Yes, there were moments when I thought I might die from the pain that I was experiencing.

I would look in the mirror and see a person that I didn't know anymore. I was hearing in my head what was being said about me and yes, I believed for a bit that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't attractive enough, that I wasn't worthy to be adored by someone...yes, i believed those things for a time.  I've prayed more than ever these last 6 months.  One day when I looked in the mirror I could see a change in my reflection.  I was seeing myself for the first time in months the way that the Lord has ALWAYS seen me. I saw someone who was good enough, who was worthy of being adored by someone...I have been praying for a while to have JOY through this entire journey. And I have. Ive prayed for God's grace to surround me and my precious boys. I finally saw in my reflection what Jesus sees when He looks at us. He doesn't see our outward appearance. He sees our hearts.

I daily run into people, friends, family who encourage me. So many people have poured into our lives in this time, whether its a kind word, an encouraging smile, a big ole bear hug, monetary gifts, bills paid, etc...when I encounter these people I see Jesus' reflection in them.  My heart is so overwhelmed at how much the Lord loves me.  How much He loves my boys. I KNOW that He has amazing plans for us.  I truly hope that when people see me that they see Jesus in me. His reflection.

all things NEW

As we journey into a NEW year...I'm reminded that NEW is GOD's idea. A new day, new heaven, new mercies, new life, new creation....NEW!!!!
He is doing a NEW thing!

I'm looking forward to all the NEW things the Lord has for me and my boys!!
i'm ready to be out of the 'desert'!

EVEN THOUGH (trials come, life doesn't go as planned) yet i will REJOICE in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. 

Habakkuk 3

i have always liked this song but it has NEW meaning to me in this journey i am on...

"Worship is not an experience. Worship is an act and it takes discipline. We are to worship in spirit and in truth. Never mind about our feelings. We are to worship in spite of them."

elisabeth elliot

A Mask

I'm in a funk.
I don't feel like myself.
I haven't wrapped one single Christmas present.
I haven't even finished shopping.
I'm angry.
I'm sad.
I'm hurt.
I'm lonely...even when i'm surrounded by people.
I'm good at 'masking' all of these things because I don't ever want to bring people down or make people feel sorry for me.  However, I'm challenged by the Lord to be REAL. To be authentic. To be genuine. To take the 'mask' off.
I hate the fact that I'm wishing Christmas away...it's my favorite time of the year. I love teaching the boys WHY we celebrate Christmas. I'm trying to be everything I can be for them while 'masking' what I'm truly feeling.  I'm not wanting to do things I normally would do, go places I normally would love to go...and I hate it. I know I need to do these things...not for me but for my boys and I am. I just look around and see so many happy faces and yet, people would probably look at me and see a happy face but in reality...it's just a MASK. How many people are truly happy or just wearing a mask? I'm struggling with not being good enough. I'm struggling with being 'everything' my boys need me to be. I'm struggling with keeping a clean house, cooking meals, keeping up with laundry, spending quality time with my boys, going here or going there...trying to fit it all in. All while wearing a 'mask'...and not wanting people to know how I'm really feeling.
My two goals in life were to be a wife and a mom. I became a wife, January 31, 2004 and became a mom, July 15, 2005 and again April 27, 2008.  Three of the happiest days of my life. My dreams had come true. My family of four was complete and I was truly amazed at what the Lord had created. I guess now...I'm feeling like a failure. I'm still a wife (legally) but my husband doesn't want to be with me. That's gut-wrenching. He has chosen a new life. That's a hard pill to swallow but, the Lord is good and his mercies never fail us. Jesus is my HOPE and my FUTURE. He has me and my boys in the palm of His hand. I don't want to wear a 'mask' anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want my boys to hurt. I don't want my family or my in-laws to hurt anymore. If I could take the hurt away from these precious people I would do it in a heartbeat. The Lord never promised that we would not have trials but, He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. I'm so thankful that even in my darkest times...I can call on Him and He hears me!!

It's time to take off the 'mask'!!

Surviving the Holidays

The Christmas season is by far my most favorite time of the year. I love celebrating the birth of my Savior and being with family and friends. I love all the traditions that go along with this season. 

I've been trying to prepare my heart for this season because let's face it...this is all new and not just for me but, for my boys and our families. I know that I've always been dependent on God but, now I'm just more aware of my need for Him.  When you think about what Christmas is about....yes, it's about His birth and what He's done for us but it's also about Pain & Suffering. Why did He come? He came to end sin, death, pain and brokenness...

Christmas is a reason for Hope! Jesus has, will & continue to address what I'm going through and what you are going through!!! 

When I think about the things that will be different about this Christmas I get mad. I'm mad because it'll be different for my boys, I'm mad because sin is such a selfish thing. Sin has a way of wrecking everything!!! Sin stained our world & it has stained our hearts.

One thing I do know is that if God saves us...HE WILL PROVIDE!! I know this to be true. HE has provided in ways I never thought possible!!! I'm truly humbled and amazed!! God is so good.

"He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all -- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

Romans 8:32

I'm fully aware that this season is going to be difficult but Jesus is good and can make GOOD out of any situation. The Lord has given me and the boys so much and while i wouldn't choose to be in this situation I'm grateful for what I've learned through this process.  

My heart is so heavy for those of us who have had life changing circumstances in this past year...especially during this Christmas season.

I would love to pray for you...please leave me comment if you'd like for me to pray for you.

I've started a prayer list and I'd be honored to pray for you!!

Struggling.

Struggling.

That's the only word I know to use. I'm struggling for many reasons.
Struggling with what the boys and I have lost.
Struggling with seeing my boys hurting.
Struggling with how things will be different for them this Christmas season.
Struggling with the lies.
Struggling with the enormous pressure i feel as a single mom of two boys.
Struggling with what to say to my boys who cry themselves to sleep some nights.

I. am. struggling.

I don't understand what has happened to us over these last few months. I'm trying to make sense of it all...but, i probably never will understand. How do you make sense of this kind of thing?!
You put so much trust, hope, love....you give everything and it's ripped away from you 'just like that'! You think you know someone. Wow. I've never been so dumbfounded in all my life!!

The worst part in all of this...is seeing my boys hurting and not being able to take that pain away. It's heartbreaking. They didn't do anything to deserve this yet, they have to deal with consequences of whats been dealt their way. It's not fair to them and that MAKES ME ANGRY!!! They are the most precious gifts the Lord has ever given to me...I've always wanted to protect them from things that would hurt them and I can't. This is not ever anything I ever thought I would have shield them from.

What I do know is that my God is FAITHFUL and JUST!!!

I know that He has them in the palm of HIS hand!  He will restore what has been taken away from them. He will heal their precious little hearts.

Sometimes we have to wait and realize that 'perseverance must finish its work' {James 1:4} and that ultimately we will find ' the stone has been rolled away' {Luke 24:2} and the Lord is waiting to bestow a double blessing on us for our time of testing. -- A.B. Simpson

I have been challenged by the Lord to thank Him for His Peace and His presence. That is the first thing I do in the morning. It has changed my days. Days when 'things' SHOULD have shaken me...it doesn't.  When things are said about me that i know aren't true....it doesn't rattle me. PRAISE THE LORD!!! 

The Lord is my defender and He has gone before me and I'm so humbled. 

I'm daily aware of the Lords blessings on me and the boys. He has provided above and beyond. The Lord is GOOD.

So...at the end of the day I'm thankful. I am blessed.  I'm thankful for my boys and that I have the great responsibility to raise these boys in to Godly men. It's a great task and I'm honored to do it with the Lords guidance!!

THANKFUL

Thankful.

In the midst of 'life' that is happening around me and as much as I think that I'm in the middle of a Lifetime movie...I'm thankful. I'm thankful that I can find joy in the everyday. I'm thankful I can find peace in the midst of a storm. I'm thankful.

I have so much to be thankful for even when things happen out of my control.  I find comfort in the One who is in Control! He can take the unthinkable and bring GOOD to the situation. 

He is a JUST God and for that I'm thankful.

White Noise

When I think of white noise I think of the LOUD fans in my boys rooms from an early age to drown out all the other 'noises' going on in the house.  I know I'm not the only person to have HUGE box fans in their kiddos room, right?! Right?! :o)

Anyway...

Today when the boys and I got home from school and were getting homework done, getting groceries unpacked, lunches made, getting ready for ball games, laundry folded, etc...I began to think about 'White Noise' and how often I let the 'white noise' of this world drown out what I really need to be tuning my ear to.  So often I'm guilty of the t.v., social media, friends, family and even my boys becoming what I'm focused on when I NEED to be focused on the ONE who IS. The One who is my reason for living. My reason for everything.  I don't want to be the person who misses what God is trying to show me because I'm distracted by the White Noise of this world.

I'm reminded of the scripture..."Be still and know that I am God." Such a simple verse but so much depth. Being still without any noise is hard for me.

During this season of life I'm making every effort to push the White Noise's of this world out of my ear and focus on the ONE who will/is carrying me through.

I was brought to tears today when I checked my mail.  I had a sweet card and check from some precious friends. I was blown away by their generosity. The Lord knows what I need even before I do. Each and everyday I'm seeing how much the Lord loves me and my boys. Whether its through meals, gas being put in my car, checks in the mail, sweet notes of encouragement, hugs, gift cards, groceries, etc.

I can rest in the fact that HE has us in the palm of His hand and will never leave nor forsake us.

"Prayer in the WAITING"

Prayer in the Waiting...this was the title of the sermon today at church.

Waiting.
This word doesn't usually have a positive tone to it.
Nobody likes to be told to wait. At least I know I don't.
But, you see...it's not about me. It's ALL about HIM. Jesus.
Everything is about Him.

He is the reason I'm Finding JOY in the Everyday...
He is the reason that I have a Peace that passes all of my understanding through the most difficult thing I've ever endured.
He is the reason for it all.
He is.

Colossians 4: 2-4 (MSG)

Pray Diligently.
Stay alert, with your eyes wide open in gratitude.
Don't forget to pray for us, that God will open doors for telling the mystery of Christ, even while I'm locked up in this jail. Pray that every time I open my mouth I'll be able to make Christ plain as day to them.

Waiting. What am I waiting for?
That's a good question.
I'm waiting to see how the Lord is going to use this trial in my life and use me to bring Glory to His  Name. I'm waiting to see my boys flourish despite what they've been dealt. I'm waiting to see God's plan for my life unfold.
I'm simply waiting. Waiting on my Jesus.
HIS word NEVER fails.
HIS promises are always true.

Even though the enemy has {tried} to thwart God's purpose for my life...he hasn't!!!
Jesus has the VICTORY. ALWAYS!

I'm thankful. I'm blessed.
I'm amazed at how the Lord has carried me these last few weeks.
I have 'bouts of raging anger and i have 'bouts of utter despair...but, in the midst of those horrible things...i feel Jesus. Wrapping His arms around me.

While we wait. God is with us.
While we wait. God is at work around us.
While we wait. God is at work inside us.

Finding JOY in the Everyday.

"a feeling of great pleasure and happiness"

When i think of the word JOY it reminds me of a song from my childhood...

"I've got the JOY, JOY, JOY, JOY down in my heart! Where? Down in my heart?

{do y'all remember that song?}

On some of my darkest days I sing those words and i can literally feel the JOY of the Lord bubbling up inside me.  

The JOY of the Lord is my strength!!

This statement is TRUTH. This statement is LIFE to me.

I am amazed at the JOY that i'm experiencing during the single most difficult thing i've ever journeyed through. 

Does this mean i'm not sad? No.

Does this mean i'm not angry? No.

Does this mean i'm not hurt? No.

Does this mean i'm not asking God WHY? No.

What it means is that the Lord is with me every. step. of. the. way.

Proverbs 10:28a

"The HOPE of the righteous brings JOY...."

I am hopeful that no matter what has happened that my destiny in Christ hasn't changed.

He STILL has a purpose for my life and the boys. 

What that looks like?...i have no clue.

What I do know is that we are in the palm of HIS hands. 

He is carrying us. He is wrapping HIS arms around us.

"JOY is not the absence of suffering. It is the presence of God."

Robert Schuller

That quote is so, so true.

I have felt closer to the Lord than I ever have. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.

My heart is in a million pieces....yet, i'm experiencing a JOY that i can't explain. 

This STORM that i'm living through is just another step in this journey of life. I'll praise Jesus through this torrential storm and find JOY in the everyday!!

Thank you all for your prayers!!!

A New Season

i don't know how to start this post...so, i'll just start it like You and I are already in the middle of a conversation. Over the last few months life has changed to say the least. Some of you know what is going on and others don't. For now...i'm choosing to not say. I want to be as transparent as I can with you all and I will.

I'm so thankful for all of your prayers! I TRULY have felt each and every one of them.  The Lord has sustained me and kept me going on days when i didn't think I could get myself out of the bed. HE has provided for me financially in ways I never dreamed. HE has cushioned my heart when it was shredded into a million different pieces. HE has been with my precious boys who don't fully understand what is going on.

My future and the boys' future is in GOD'S HANDS!!! I believe that more than ever. I believe that the Lord has AMAZING plans for my family. What that looks like? I don't know...but, i'm trusting the only ONE who knows.

I want to share with you a few bible verses and prayers that have gotten me through this time:

ISAIAH 41

(MSG)

I'VE PICKED YOU. I HAVEN'T DROPPED YOU.

DON'T PANIC. I'M WITH YOU.

THERE'S NO NEED TO FEAR FOR I'M YOUR GOD.

I'LL GIVE YOU STRENGTH. I'LL HELP YOU.

I'LL HOLD YOU STEADY, KEEP A FIRM GRIP ON YOU.

A BAD STORM CAN BLOW IN A BEAUTIFUL SEASON. THE BIBLE PROVES OVER AND OVER THAT HOW SOMETHING BEGINS DOES NOT GET TO DICTATE HOW IT ENDS.

--BETH MOORE--

PROVERBS 3

TRUST GOD FROM THE BOTTOM OF YOUR HEART; DON'T TRY TO FIGURE OUT EVERYTHING ON YOUR OWN.

LISTEN TO GOD'S VOICE IN EVERYTHING YOU DO, EVERYWHERE YOU GO;

HE'S THE ONE WHO WILL KEEP YOU ON TRACK.

DON'T ASSUME THAT YOU KNOW IT ALL. 

RUN TO GOD!

RUN FROM EVIL!

 YOUR BODY WILL GLOW WITH HEALTH, YOUR VERY BONES WILL VIBRATE WITH LIFE!

HONOR GOD WITH EVERYTHING YOU OWN!

PSALMS 116:7

LET MY SOUL BE AT REST AGAIN, FOR THE LORD HAS 

BEEN GOOD TO ME.

ROMANS 8:31

IF GOD IS FOR US, WHO CAN EVER BE AGAINST US?

SIMPLE PRAYER:

TRUST GOD. 

PRAY AND BE PATIENT.

GOD WILL OFTEN ASK YOU TO WAIT FOR HIS BEST, BUT HE WILL NEVER ASK YOU TO SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS.