I'm in a funk.
I don't feel like myself.
I haven't wrapped one single Christmas present.
I haven't even finished shopping.
I'm angry.
I'm sad.
I'm hurt.
I'm lonely...even when i'm surrounded by people.
I'm good at 'masking' all of these things because I don't ever want to bring people down or make people feel sorry for me. However, I'm challenged by the Lord to be REAL. To be authentic. To be genuine. To take the 'mask' off.
I hate the fact that I'm wishing Christmas away...it's my favorite time of the year. I love teaching the boys WHY we celebrate Christmas. I'm trying to be everything I can be for them while 'masking' what I'm truly feeling. I'm not wanting to do things I normally would do, go places I normally would love to go...and I hate it. I know I need to do these things...not for me but for my boys and I am. I just look around and see so many happy faces and yet, people would probably look at me and see a happy face but in reality...it's just a MASK. How many people are truly happy or just wearing a mask? I'm struggling with not being good enough. I'm struggling with being 'everything' my boys need me to be. I'm struggling with keeping a clean house, cooking meals, keeping up with laundry, spending quality time with my boys, going here or going there...trying to fit it all in. All while wearing a 'mask'...and not wanting people to know how I'm really feeling.
My two goals in life were to be a wife and a mom. I became a wife, January 31, 2004 and became a mom, July 15, 2005 and again April 27, 2008. Three of the happiest days of my life. My dreams had come true. My family of four was complete and I was truly amazed at what the Lord had created. I guess now...I'm feeling like a failure. I'm still a wife (legally) but my husband doesn't want to be with me. That's gut-wrenching. He has chosen a new life. That's a hard pill to swallow but, the Lord is good and his mercies never fail us. Jesus is my HOPE and my FUTURE. He has me and my boys in the palm of His hand. I don't want to wear a 'mask' anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want my boys to hurt. I don't want my family or my in-laws to hurt anymore. If I could take the hurt away from these precious people I would do it in a heartbeat. The Lord never promised that we would not have trials but, He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. I'm so thankful that even in my darkest times...I can call on Him and He hears me!!
It's time to take off the 'mask'!!
10 comments:
Oh sweet Jenn I wish I could give you a big hug and take you for coffee and just chat with you and let you vent!
Praying for you and your family sweet friend.
The enemy feels,victorious when we feel like failures.....when we feel inadequate....when our plans for our life's are hurtful......how stupid he is!!!!! We make plans but our Lord guides our steps!!!!! I love you sweet girl!!!
I'm so sorry. While my ex-husband and I didnt have children, he cheated on me and ended up leaving me November 2011 for a married woman. I know the hurt and the emptiness. The feeling of not understanding. Trying to put on a mask. Being numb to the world. Please please know you're not alone and Jesus will get you through. I look back and while I wish things wouldve been different, I see that God had the best plan. I never understood how God could love me through divorce (even though I wasnt the one to want it) but His love and mercies shine through everyday. Dont give up. You rock as a mom, you rock as a woman, and you ROCK as a child of God. He sees your faithfulness. Dont try to be someone you're not. It's ok to be mad/sad. Dont let your sons feel like it's not by you hiding it. God will use this for His glory and add to one heck of a testimony for you. I know it's hard now, but maybe one day you'll be able to help a woman going through the same thing. Please try to have a Merry Christmas. Let God's peace get you through, especially for your babies!
thank you andrea! i appreciate your kind words! merry christmas!!!
love you mrs debbie!!! merry christmas!
thank you ashley!!!
merry christmas to you!!
thank you friend!!!
id love it too!! enjoy your christmas with your fiancé!!
I kind of found your blog by chance tonight and instantly felt as though I should write to you. I was in your shoes 2 years ago. I found myself a single mom to a little boy as my husband had fallen in love with someone else. We were high school sweethearts, and with marriage and dating, we were together a combined 11 years. I remember the complete and total fear I had. The grief and the fear combined were enough to make me feel as though I was living in a fog. But as I'm sure you know, with children life keeps moving on at warp speed. I wanted to tell you that it does get better, that one day you will wake up and to find that the pain is lessening. For the first year I counted off the months, telling myself if I just made it to the one year mark things would get better. My divorce was not finalized until this fall, and I finally feel as though my son and I have a new life. Everyday I feel stronger. God provided in ways I never could have imagined. Every need was met and every prayer was heard. Something that helped me was continuing life as normal as possible for my son. It was Christmas time when everything fell apart, and my son and I still decorated a gingerbread house, looked at Christmas lights, saw Santa, etc. It also helped to write what I was feeling. Sometimes I still look back at what I wrote in old blog posts or in my journal, and I am able to see how far God has brought me. I also took a Divorce Care class. Many churches put on these classes, so I would suggest seeing if there is one in your area. It gave me a chance to talk with people who really understood how I felt.
Other than that, I decided to put my focus on God, my son, and my healing. That means I joined church groups, spent all my time (while not at work) with my son, and refrained from dating (even though many people pestered me to start). I am so grateful that God put it on my heart to set my priorities in that manner. Today I feel healthier and happier than I could have imagined 2 years ago.
I will pray for you and your family. God WILL work through your pain to provide a beautiful journey and a wonderful future for you.
Janelle
www.growinggraesen.blogspot.com
Post a Comment