These last 6 months have been the HARDEST months of my entire life. I've sobbed more tears than I ever thought possible. I've screamed more than ever. I've doubted myself more. I've wondered what was wrong with me that my husband didn't want me anymore. I've found out that your heart can physically ache so bad...and not be dying. Yes, there were moments when I thought I might die from the pain that I was experiencing.
I would look in the mirror and see a person that I didn't know anymore. I was hearing in my head what was being said about me and yes, I believed for a bit that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't attractive enough, that I wasn't worthy to be adored by someone...yes, i believed those things for a time. I've prayed more than ever these last 6 months. One day when I looked in the mirror I could see a change in my reflection. I was seeing myself for the first time in months the way that the Lord has ALWAYS seen me. I saw someone who was good enough, who was worthy of being adored by someone...I have been praying for a while to have JOY through this entire journey. And I have. Ive prayed for God's grace to surround me and my precious boys. I finally saw in my reflection what Jesus sees when He looks at us. He doesn't see our outward appearance. He sees our hearts.
I daily run into people, friends, family who encourage me. So many people have poured into our lives in this time, whether its a kind word, an encouraging smile, a big ole bear hug, monetary gifts, bills paid, etc...when I encounter these people I see Jesus' reflection in them. My heart is so overwhelmed at how much the Lord loves me. How much He loves my boys. I KNOW that He has amazing plans for us. I truly hope that when people see me that they see Jesus in me. His reflection.
3 comments:
You are amazing, beautiful, wonderful, gorgeous, and WORTHY! What a terrible, awful journey to endure. Your strength is incredible and those boys are so lucky to have such a beautiful woman to raise them. To teach them the love and joy that comes from being a child of God! Praying for you!
thank you girl! i'm truly amazed at how much strength and joy the Lord has given me through this horrific time. i think of you and greyson often!!!
We are human to feel certain ways, especially when something like that happens, but what an incredible testimony you have to share! We try to portray a perfect life but when we break and allow Him to put us back together, it's a beautful masterpiece. I'll never forget that pain, the pain you've been experiencing, but you learn from it, grow from it, and spread the Word of Jesus using it. Not everyone knows that empty ache, but it's through that ache that Jesus shows up, unmistakably, and it's breath taking. I pray for you! You're not alone and I just KNOW this season is making you into the strong woman of God He created you to be! There will still be times when Satan whispers defeat and failure but know God is victorious! There is a real man praying for you and your kids right now and I cant WAIT to see how your story continues to unfold as Jesus heals your wounds and rebuilds you into a woman you could never been if your husband would've stayed.
Post a Comment