Struggling.

Struggling.

That's the only word I know to use. I'm struggling for many reasons.
Struggling with what the boys and I have lost.
Struggling with seeing my boys hurting.
Struggling with how things will be different for them this Christmas season.
Struggling with the lies.
Struggling with the enormous pressure i feel as a single mom of two boys.
Struggling with what to say to my boys who cry themselves to sleep some nights.

I. am. struggling.

I don't understand what has happened to us over these last few months. I'm trying to make sense of it all...but, i probably never will understand. How do you make sense of this kind of thing?!
You put so much trust, hope, love....you give everything and it's ripped away from you 'just like that'! You think you know someone. Wow. I've never been so dumbfounded in all my life!!

The worst part in all of this...is seeing my boys hurting and not being able to take that pain away. It's heartbreaking. They didn't do anything to deserve this yet, they have to deal with consequences of whats been dealt their way. It's not fair to them and that MAKES ME ANGRY!!! They are the most precious gifts the Lord has ever given to me...I've always wanted to protect them from things that would hurt them and I can't. This is not ever anything I ever thought I would have shield them from.

What I do know is that my God is FAITHFUL and JUST!!!

I know that He has them in the palm of HIS hand!  He will restore what has been taken away from them. He will heal their precious little hearts.

Sometimes we have to wait and realize that 'perseverance must finish its work' {James 1:4} and that ultimately we will find ' the stone has been rolled away' {Luke 24:2} and the Lord is waiting to bestow a double blessing on us for our time of testing. -- A.B. Simpson

I have been challenged by the Lord to thank Him for His Peace and His presence. That is the first thing I do in the morning. It has changed my days. Days when 'things' SHOULD have shaken me...it doesn't.  When things are said about me that i know aren't true....it doesn't rattle me. PRAISE THE LORD!!! 

The Lord is my defender and He has gone before me and I'm so humbled. 

I'm daily aware of the Lords blessings on me and the boys. He has provided above and beyond. The Lord is GOOD.

So...at the end of the day I'm thankful. I am blessed.  I'm thankful for my boys and that I have the great responsibility to raise these boys in to Godly men. It's a great task and I'm honored to do it with the Lords guidance!!