Heart Transplant

A heart transplant by definition is a surgical procedure on patients with end-stage heart failure or severe coronary artery disease.

I feel like over these these past months that I've had a heart transplant.  My heart hurt more than I ever thought was humanly possible and still be able to wake up each day.

Some of the things I experienced were:

- denial
- abandonment
- pain
- anger
- sorrow
- envy
- fear
- betrayal
- loneliness
- rage
- dread
- vindictiveness
- loss
- resentment
- confusion
- anxiety
- inadequacy
- sadness
- helplessness

When I was praying during those first couple of months my prayer was always...Jesus, you are near to the brokenhearted...my heart is broken and ONLY YOU can heal it.....however YOU choose to heal it. I didn't want to avoid these emotions/feelings because they were real.  I wanted to truly walk through them and let the Lord do His work.  GOD is ABLE.

I began to pray for JOY to come. I began to thank the Lord for where He had me. I began to sing praises to Him even when I didn't think I would catch my next breath.  Over the next few months...I began to feel the Lord working in me and working on my heart.  It was a painful and still at times I'm taken back to those initial feelings of gut-wrenching pain...it's just now, I know that that is part of the refining process. Almost like a phantom pain. I'm amazed at where the Lord has me today.  I'm daily walking out this heart transplant.  Just like anyone who has to recover from a heart transplant there are things you should do to take care of yourself the same is true for me.  I know that I will be walking out my healing for a long time...but, I refuse to let this define me. Define my future. Yes, in a few months I will be considered a divorced woman but, that won't define me. I am a child of God. A daughter to the King of Kings.

The Lord has anointed me {Jesus} to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion-to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of JOY instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

Isaiah 61:1b-3a

Reflections

These last 6 months have been the HARDEST months of my entire life. I've sobbed more tears than I ever thought possible. I've screamed more than ever. I've doubted myself more. I've wondered what was wrong with me that my husband didn't want me anymore. I've found out that your heart can physically ache so bad...and not be dying. Yes, there were moments when I thought I might die from the pain that I was experiencing.

I would look in the mirror and see a person that I didn't know anymore. I was hearing in my head what was being said about me and yes, I believed for a bit that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't attractive enough, that I wasn't worthy to be adored by someone...yes, i believed those things for a time.  I've prayed more than ever these last 6 months.  One day when I looked in the mirror I could see a change in my reflection.  I was seeing myself for the first time in months the way that the Lord has ALWAYS seen me. I saw someone who was good enough, who was worthy of being adored by someone...I have been praying for a while to have JOY through this entire journey. And I have. Ive prayed for God's grace to surround me and my precious boys. I finally saw in my reflection what Jesus sees when He looks at us. He doesn't see our outward appearance. He sees our hearts.

I daily run into people, friends, family who encourage me. So many people have poured into our lives in this time, whether its a kind word, an encouraging smile, a big ole bear hug, monetary gifts, bills paid, etc...when I encounter these people I see Jesus' reflection in them.  My heart is so overwhelmed at how much the Lord loves me.  How much He loves my boys. I KNOW that He has amazing plans for us.  I truly hope that when people see me that they see Jesus in me. His reflection.

all things NEW

As we journey into a NEW year...I'm reminded that NEW is GOD's idea. A new day, new heaven, new mercies, new life, new creation....NEW!!!!
He is doing a NEW thing!

I'm looking forward to all the NEW things the Lord has for me and my boys!!
i'm ready to be out of the 'desert'!

EVEN THOUGH (trials come, life doesn't go as planned) yet i will REJOICE in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. 

Habakkuk 3

i have always liked this song but it has NEW meaning to me in this journey i am on...

"Worship is not an experience. Worship is an act and it takes discipline. We are to worship in spirit and in truth. Never mind about our feelings. We are to worship in spite of them."

elisabeth elliot